Guides?

You know those moments when you're pregnant and you search for books about pregnancy and what to expect and what to do when certain situation arises. Well, I can say that, no matter how many books we read about parenting, there are no guides to parenting. No guides or books will tell you how difficult can be, or how frustrating, there is definitely no guides to how to handle divorces and ending up as a single parent. There are those that say being a parent is the most rewarding thing you can experience, and I do believe that, but maybe I haven't reached that point yet so I don't feel that way. 

No one will tell you that marriage is easy, and when that marriage breaks with a child involved, people talk, but in forums and hushed tones, it's like it's still taboo. At the same time, it seems to be the norm, divorce, single parenting.

When people see my with my child, I can feel the stares, the judgemental looks, because I don't look my age, it can be worse. When I tell people I'm a single parent, people would automatically ask about the father. whether I had been sleeping around and got pregnant, or some sort of dysfunctional relationship that ended where I would be stranded pregnant. So when I mention that I was divorced and I had a child within that marriage, people quickly loses interest in the topic, I'm not saying everyone is like this, but by experience, it would almost seem like they would only ask to hear some 'juicy gossip'.

I'm not going to sugar coat it, it's shitty and hard and there are days where I would breakdown and wish everything would go away. I hate being a single parent, I hate knowing that while I'm at home with my child, my ex is out there, going on dates, going on holidays, making plans for the weekend, and thinking about when they want to come visit our child. Not that the childs father is a bad father, I know they love our child very much and would drop everything in a heart beat if something was to happen, but in a normal every day of the week, that is how it pretty much goes. Last minute messages asking if they could have the child for the day, or if they can visit. 

I would have to make plans a week or two in advance just to have a night out, or to have some 'me' time. I would have to 'book' time for someone to be able to look after our child for that evening, that's right, evening. As much as it sounds, it isn't, putting it into perspective, when you want some time to do your own thing or just to breathe, you would like to be able to have the option of going places or visiting friends or maybe even go shopping, go to a bar. Those options are barely available for some...like me. A few hours in the evening doesn't give you much, by the time I know I am free, majority of my friends have already made plans to do things, or with their significant others, shopping? Yeah, unless you count late night super market as shopping, not going to happen. I don't know whether to take the time to sleep or be productive, and being productive, you suddenly are aware that the house is quiet, then it dawns on you, what to do? I'm tired daily, so when there's free time, my body decides that it's the time to be a sloth.

I love my child, but I am not going to lie, I miss my freedom, I miss being able to do things without thinking so much. yes it is a choice to have a child, and I chose to do so, I do not regret it, but it doesn't mean I have to be 100% happy about it.

No one would tell you on your wedding day that the  marriage would end, nor will they predict that you'll be a single parent, shit happens. and there's nothing we can do to change it, we can only try and make our future. That's my positive side coming out, but majority of the time, I don't feel much except being stuck. 

Next time you see or hear about a single mother, know that they aren't a single mother by choice, yes, we do choose to be single, but it doesn't mean that we planned to not have a partner, shit happens, we do what we can, and we are trying our best.